Fighting for Air

I feel like I might be experiencing what it's like to drown...very slowly. I can't quite catch my breath and it's been that way since our family got serious about adoption last January. 

I had actually "known" I would adopt for a long time. It was just a matter of my husband and I knowing it was right at the right time. We were finally on the same page and it we jumped feet first into the adoption process. We both felt really good about the agency we wanted to use after researching quite a few, and attended their orientation meeting in January 2013. It took a few months to fill out all the paperwork and complete all the required education. By June we were ready for our home study and once we were approved, we became an "active adoptive family" at the beginning of August.

We were shown to a few prospective birth moms, but never quite fit until December 18, 2013. That is the night of our first conversation with our birth mom. She is one amazing, intelligent, hardworking, and loving woman. I am honored she chose us to be parents to her 3 month old baby girl.

We signed placement papers 10 days later and Gracie-Dru planted herself in our hearts the second we saw her. Bill and I looked at each other and just knew that she was ours. No words can describe the feeling when our birth mom placed her in my arms and said "she's yours". My heart is screaming "Yes!! Yes she is!!"  But it's also breaking because I know I'm not the only momma who loves her. Gracie-Dru had lived with her belly mom for 3 months before she found her way home. And I can be nothing but grateful for the love and care she was given. 

Dru was the happiest, most content baby I had ever seen. She endured hugs and kisses from her family as well as all the visitors that couldn't wait to see her. We were surrounded by so much love. I could feel myself being buoyed up. Finally my baby that I had bee struggling to bring home for years was here. I could feel my head start to break the surface of the waves. I began to catch my breath--only to be pulled under again.

6 weeks after bringing our baby girl home, on valentines day to be exact, we were told that she would need a liver transplant in order to survive. Once again, Bill and I looked at each other and knew that she was ours, and that we would move heaven and earth to save her.

Gracie-Dru was born without a drainage system for her liver (the fancy name is biliary atresia). Her birth mom and previous doctors had thought it was a case of jaundice and it was never treated. Had the condition never been discovered, my baby would not have made it to 2 years old. I know without a doubt she is meant to be here. She is now on the waiting list for a new liver that will save her life.

So now we are holding our breath again...waiting. When I first learned what we were facing I felt the waves crashing over me. Waves of anger that the perfect baby girl I prayed for wasn't perfect. Waves of fear that my perfect baby girl won't survive. Waves of guilt that I had thoughts like "I didn't sign up for this".







But now I am drowning in a different, more beautiful way. I am drowning in love. Love for my baby girl who is still perfect and loves me through my doubts. Love for my God who led her to our arms. Love for my husband who lets me break down and is always by my side.

I am drowning in gratitude. Gratitude for the love and support of family, friends and strangers. Prayers and love are the universal language it seems. I am grateful for amazing doctors, and that we live practically next door to one of the best pediatric hospitals in the world.

I am grateful for the peace I feel when I let God fight this battle for me and I can focus on each day, and the treasure of every smile that "Little Miss Magic" freely gives me.

So while I can't wait for my head to break the surface again, I am in awe of the love and generosity and prayers that have taken my breath away.