Sometimes I really want to give up. Sometimes it's really hard to hold it together. Sometimes I just do it so I can show everyone I can handle it all.
But sometimes I can't.....
Today was hard. And it's really a silly reason. Home Health called today to come and place Dru's feeding tube. It was like a slap in my face--YOUR CHILD IS SICK!! YOUR CHILD IS DYING , right before my eyes.
I think I've been in a kind of denial until now. Now there will be a physical sign that she has an illness.
I felt so unprepared even though I knew this feeding tube was coming. So guess what I did? I totally lied. I put it off until next week.
I had scheduled a photo shoot for Dru on Monday and I selfishly want some pictures of her without the tube down her nose so I asked them to schedule us for nurses on Tuesday. I totally lied and I've been in a funk since.
Maybe this feeding tube will be no big deal, but today it seemed like it is. I'm sad that my baby girl has to go through so much before she's better. I'm scared that she'll never be better. I'm tired of being positive all the time. Sometimes I just want to turn it all off.
But then I hold her and know--SHE IS MINE. I will do anything for this angel. And one bad day does not have to be more than that. Tomorrow will be better. We will keep doing what we have to do, because really--what choice do we have?
I sure love you friend. We can do hard things. Repeat this every minute of every day.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kort. I never imagined this "hard thing". I truly know we will come out on the other side of this stronger and more humbled. I can't wait ;)
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